


These Are Not The Droids You Are Cumming For

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Corpses, Death, Multi, Non-Binary!BB-8, Non-Binary!C-3PO, Non-Binary!R2-D2, Orgy, Possessing Corpses, Possession, Secrets, Sex Toys, Spoilers, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 14:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5589727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BB-8 and R2-D2 teach C-3PO a very important lesson- but their lesson is interrupted when Han Solo barges in with a deep, dark secret.</p><p>WARNING: Contains spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens</p>
            </blockquote>





	These Are Not The Droids You Are Cumming For

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
> 
> for those of you who live in funky timezones, happy fricking new year. drink some alcohols. unless you're straightedge or underage. stay safe. morals. whoop whoop.
> 
> oh god i'm so tired
> 
> *is still low-key depressed because i saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens today and i'm still not over the ending*

“But how are we going to have sexual intercourse, seeing as we have no sexual organs?”

R2-D2 and BB-8 stared up at C-3PO.

“I apologize. I was under the impression that you wanted all of us to have- what is it called? An ‘orgy’?- together. Allow me to rephrase that: But how are the two of you to have sexual intercourse, seeing as neither of you possess sexual organs?”

“Beep, beep, bloop, beep,” said R2-D2. _suck a dick, fricknugget._

“I have not been programmed to suck-“

“Boop, boop, BEEP, beep,” BB-8 said to R2-D2. _We already have equipment, therefore, it would be best if you would leave us alone._

“I-“

“boop-boopopppoopnononpnonpfdsklhakhgaKGGHEWFU,” BB-8 said. _Unless you would like to join us, that is._

“Is that an invitation?”

“Beeeeeeeep.” _yes._

C-3PO looked at R2-D2. “Would you also be in favor of me joining the two of you?”

“BEepbeepbeepboopwoowoowooo.” _Holy mother of *potato*ing God, yes._

“Alright,” C-3PO said. They paused. “How are we doing it, then?”

BB-8 extended their utility interface arm.

“What do we do with that?”

“Beep.” _Bow down before your daddy._

“What?”

“Boop.” _Gonna make you feel so good, baby, oooh._

C-3PO stared at BB-8. Then again, they couldn’t do anything but stare, really, since they did not have eyelids. They turned around, and BB-8 stuck their utility interface arm into C-3PO’s hole.

R2-D2 began whirring excitedly. They went over to C-3PO and began humping one of their legs. “WHOOOOO.” _I am humping your leg to obtain sexual pleasure._

Soon, all three droids were doing things that looked very odd. BB-8 was behind C-3PO with their utility interface arm sticking out, rolling back and forth to stick the arm in and out of some hole in the back of C-3PO; R2-D2 was in front of C-3PO, humping C-3PO’s left knee.

Suddenly, C-3PO felt a feeling they’d never felt before. It was full of pleasure and pain, and it felt more pleasurable than anything they’d ever known.

Suddenly, Han Solo opened the door to the closet and gasped. "What the-"

BB-8 froze and stared at Han Solo.  "BEEEEEp."  _what the frick, man?  you're dead!_

Han Solo laughed nervously.  "What?" he asked.  "I- I'm not dead, BB-8.  I never was dead.  Haha.  You're so funny."

R2-D2 stared coldly at Han.

Han sighed.  "Alright, don't fricking tell anybody, you hear me?  I have a secret.  I'm not Han Solo.  I'm just using his corpse as a vessel, I guess."

"Then who are you, sir?"

"I'm jOOOOOHHHHHN CENNNAAAAAAAa *ddoo doodododoooooo doo doo doo doooooooo doodoodoodoooooooo dooodooodooodoooooooooo* JOOOOOOHN CENNAAAAAAAA"

"Oh!" C-3PO exclaimed.  "This cannot be so!"  They then short-circuited and died.  Then, R2-D2 short-circuited and died.  Then, BB-8 short circuited and died.  Han Solo shrugged.  "I'm already dead," he said, "so I guess I'll die, too."

And they all died happily ever after.

**Author's Note:**

> heLP


End file.
